the New Zealand economy

NZ's rockstar economy in rehab

Andrew Gunn

ROBERT KITCHIN/FAIRFAX NZ

"The rockstar economy has simply been on a weight-loss programme and hasn't quite achieved its goal," says 'Colonel' Bill English

the Press,
9 May, 2015

OPINION: 

New Zealand's rockstar economy has cancelled all future appearances amid rumours that it has gone into rehab.

The news comes after revelations this week that the rockstar economy was found comatose in a trashed Wellington hotel room by a small cluster of self-proclaimed Young Nat groupies.

Hotel staff immediately notified emergency services who in turn dispatched a team of macro-economists to the scene to convene a seminar on how best to revive the ailing economic system.

Forensic accountants later established that the rockstar economy had passed out after bingeing on a potentially lethal cocktail of milk powder, Auckland house prices and Canterbury earthquake insurance payouts.

Friends of the rockstar economy – worried that its increasingly exorbitant and extreme lifestyle had become unsustainable – have called for intervention in the past.

"The rockstar economy was spinning out of control" said one. "It was always going to crash – it was just a matter of time. Only last week I heard it on the phone to Fonterra, pleading for one more hit to make it to the end of the financial quarter."

But calls for a "cup of tea and a lie-down" have repeatedly been blocked by the rockstar economy's manager, "Colonel" Bill English.

"There's no need for concern," a visibly sweaty Mr English told reporters. "The rockstar economy has simply been on a weight-loss programme and hasn't quite achieved its goal."

News of the cancellation has dismayed hardcore rockstar economy fans who had snapped up tickets for its "Gods of Surplus" tour opening on Budget Day, May 21.

"I'm absolutely gutted," said private wealth consultant "Tiny" Dodge.

"We've all sacrificed a lot to get to this point. I had my PA camp out in the queue for two days to get access-all-areas tickets to Bill English's post-budget business breakfast. If the rockstar economy isn't going to perform like he promised I'll be demanding a tax refund."

It has been a boom and bust ride for the rockstar economy, which first got its act together in Roger Douglas' Manurewa garage in 1987. It was a time of burgeoning free love for free markets, when the pill of supply-side economics promised liberation for a generation shackled to the priming-pump of Keynesian dogma.

After early artistic differences which saw original leader David "Fat Boy Slim" Lange split from the band, the rockstar economy was managed by Ruth Richardson, seen by some as being a Svengali-like figure and others as the early 1990s answer to Simon Cowell.

Whichever view history proves correct, no-one can doubt that Richardson's mentoring instilled the hard corrosive edge that saw the rockstar economy grace the cover of  Rolling Stone magazine's "Fiscal Faves" edition.

Meantime, Mr English has assured fans that the rockstar economy's path to recovery is well in hand, with a studio session to planned to record its new album, Climate Changer.

"I can't too say too much, but with tracks like Drill Baby Drill, Unleash the Carbon and Born To Frack  this one will turn up the heat for sure."